"Friends"

I'm so frustrated with my friends. Most of them are so selfish! I had a friend message me the night of my reception all pissed off that I didn't invite her...like really? I've had such a good day and you're going to try to ruin the end?!? I try to get advice for a situation and my friend didn't even listen...she just said, "if you stress too much you'll have a  hard time getting pregnant" I was talking about work and my work situation! I have family members who never invite me to events, I have friends and family members who never come to any events/parties that I throw. I'm just about ready to throw in the towel. I need a major life change.

Stress and Babies

So, Hubby and I had our Reception last night, and ALL EVERYONE kept asking was "when are you going to have kids" My brother and his wife just had a baby 3 weeks ago and ever since that's all anyone ever asks. I'm kind of sad about it because Hubby and I both really want kids and we want them soon, but I want it to be a surprise for everyone, I don't want everyone expecting it! I don't even know what to do about kids anymore, I want them now, but I know it's smarter to wait. I mean, it's a HUGE life decision/commitment so do I follow my heart or follow my head? I don't really even have anyone to talk to about it because all of my friends are so one sided about the situation. I need someone who is on neutral ground that doesn't give me an answer back but helps me see both the pros and cons of BOTH situations! Hubby agrees with me 100% but when it comes down to it we both get very nervous. To accidentally come into parenthood is one thing, but to purposely plan it is a HUGE decision.

Weight management

I hate being overweight. Even more, I hate people who make me feel "comfortable" with my weight. I'm changing that starting now. I've thought back many times about what caused my weight gain and it all came down to overeating. I just simply eat too much and for a while was eating the wrong foods. I graduated high school about 5 years ago. 45 lbs in 5 years!!! That's ridiculous. There is no excuse for that. I don't have any kids or haven't had any traumatic stress...nothing. I just eat and eat and eat.

How did I gain the weight??
About 6 months after I graduated high school I quit my job. I just didn't want to work there anymore. I had money saved up and I didn't really need to be there so I got out. My plan was to just have fun for a month or two just hanging out with friends and having fun. Didn't happen. My last day of work was Dec. 26th. For a month straight I just sat on the couch watching tv and eating Christmas leftovers. I started eating out of boredom and eating just because it was available. I never left the house and it was cold out so I stayed in my pajamas and sweats. I slowly started noticing my breasts were slightly larger and that my stomach had grown a little. It didn't really hit me until I went to hang out with a friend one day and went to put on a pair of jeans and couln't get them up past my thighs. I freaked out and hopped on the scale. In one month I had gained 10 lbs! I got over the shock after a while and took the weight gain as an opportunity to go shopping for clothes. After all, I didn't really think 10 lbs was that big of a deal.

About a year later my at-the-time boyfriend and I went out to eat ALL THE TIME! Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, sometimes 2 out of the three each DAY. Gained another 15 lbs. He said I was fine, didn't need to change my body at all....so I didn't think into it too much. By the end of the relationship I was up yet another 10 lbs. (relationship lasted about 2 years)

Ever since then my weight has pretty much stayed...The scale will sometimes go up 5 lbs but then it goes back down again. My plan....have it continue to go down until I'm at a happy weight. I've tried many things over the past few years to try to lose the weight and they've all worked, I've worked out, I've watched portion control, I watched what I ate...they have ALL worked, but for some reason or another I've strayed away from each one, and I've never done any of the 3 together. Sounds silly right? Well, that's going to change. I don't believe in dieting. It really is about lifestyle changes. I eat fairly healthy, so I don't feel that I need to change that too much, However I would love to try new recipes.

My birthday is 12 1/2 weeks away. I feel today is a good day to discipline myself to achieve my weight loss goal. What is my goal? To LOSE weight. I'm not going to set myself a goal of 25 lbs or anything like that. All I simply want to do is LOSE weight. yes 25 lbs would be great...40 lbs would be even better...but I don't want to force a number on myself. I just want to be healthy and do it "naturally". And by naturally I mean, make lifestyle changes I can ACTUALLY STICK TO!! I HATE working out! So why should I force myself to spend time at the gym??

My plan? Portion control, Water, Vitamins, Stretching/Pilates. That's it. Plain and simple. Now I know I said I didn't want to have to workout and Pilates is a form of "working out" but I don't want to deal with the gym side of working out. I want to increase my flexibility and I've always been interested in doing pilates. There are so many benefits to pilates that it's hard not to try it. Pretty simple plan, and should be easy to follow even on a busy schedule. We'll see how it works out.

Guilt

My boyfriend was going through his bills and because he's paying for almost everything for the 2 of us he's has a lot less extra money than he would like. Hes started talking about selling his car. He doesn't NEED to keep it because he has another car and it's only a 10 minute walk to his work...but he doesn't really want to sell it. He would rather sell his "spare" car but wouldn't get as much money for it as his newer car. I'm feeling very guilty that he's giving up his car for me. I'm trying to work more and make more so I can start contributing but there's only so much I can do. Just as work starts picking up I injured my wrist. I worked through the pain but I have to have some time to rest so I can recover. I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of making my boyfriend broke, I'm tired of being fat, and I'm tired of being jealous of people. Today I'm going to make a change. I'm not going to sit there and say...well I'll start April, or I'll figure everything out today and start tomorrow. No. I'm starting today.

Changing Direction

So stuck. That's exactly how I feel right now. Stuck in life. I have 2 jobs yet I'm always broke. Working both jobs together still doesn't add up to full-time hours. I'm 40lbs overweight, yet too lazy to try to do anything about it. I should be happy with life right now, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a fantastic apartment, I have an actual career and not just a job, plus a backup career/job. I'm drama free so life should be perfect right? But it's not. Fat and barely broke significantly brings down the wonderful things I have going for my life. It's time to change. I need to focus on the good and find a way to change the bad. Life is too short for unhappiness. I need to stand up for the things I want and appreciate the things I have. I'm jealous of others, which makes me a bad friend. I'm never truly happy for my friends because I feel that they all have what I want. I'm a good person, I don't do bad things, so why them? Why not me? You know what they say, "you need to love yourself before you can love others." I need to find love for myself.